Disclaimer : I am not a professional nor someone who has an in-depth knowledge of psychological issues. I just wanted to keep a journal of what I am currently experiencing for my own self, as well to help to those experience the same issue. This is also not an act of seeking sympathy or attention from anyone. Merely writing it for myself and for those who are experiencing anxiety like myself too.
It was December, in 2017. The usual
yearly vacation with my family season, where on the particular year we decided
to go to the Pangkor Island. It was all
fun, till I was swept off by the waves into the middle of the sea and my
brothers were trying to save me from drowning in the sea. My eldest brother was
holding onto my hands, and something told me to let go off it as I will not
survive it. And I decided to let go off the hand. I heard my brothers screaming
asking me to reach for their hands. But I felt calm as I drifted off from everything
and everyone. I knew I was already drowning and I was at peace listening to the
silence of the sea. Just when I closed my eyes, I felt someone’s hands trying
to pull me up, and it was my brothers and a guy in a boat who managed to save
me. I felt lost for some time. The experience felt so magical, as though I entered
another dimension and came back. I got back to the reality as I was approaching
the shore, where my mom was standing there with full of fear in her eyes. Just
imagine her trauma of witnessing all her three sons trying to save her only
daughter from drowning in the sea. I brushed off the memories of the whole
Pangkor island vacation, till one day I randomly told my friend about the
incident. He asked if I was depressed or was going through a tough time. He also
said that I might need to refer a trained psychologist as it is abnormal to
feel such way about a horrifying experience. I brushed the topic off as I thought
it was nothing serious and he was just trying to pull my legs.
As time goes on, I realised my
mind is always in a chaos. The voices in the head are too loud, but it was only
me that could hear it. Random thoughts just pop up in the mind at random times
and gets me anxious about everything. That is when I went on a mission to seek
for the silence that I experience that one day while I was drowning in the sea.
Trust me, when I say I became a whole new person in the search of silence. I
got to know many people. I did certain things which were against my believes
and life principles. In the journey of seeking for the silence I almost lost my
real self. Till one day, I realised that indeed there is something that I need
to fix. After doing my own research and studies with the symptoms that I had, I
found out that what I might be experiencing can be called as “Anxiety”. It is very
common among people these days as the life style of the current generation has
been more challenging compared to the people in those days.
Anxiety has drained me physically
and mentally whenever I had to go through it. To be honest, I am absolutely normal,
but in certain days, without no signs, a random hurtful though just pop up in the
mind. And the next thing I know is I will be so lost where I can’t silence the
thoughts anymore. The thoughts get louder and louder and at some point, all I could
do is to cry out loud accept my defeat to the loudness in my head. Yet, the thoughts
will never show any mercy. I could barely concentrate in anything I do. Obviously,
I will lose my appetite and sleep during these times. Sleep seems to be very luxurious
because of the loud thoughts would never let me to sleep in peace. As a way to
get at least a decent one-hour sleep, I’d play some soothing music and try to
calm myself. Waking up every morning feeling lethargic and with dark circles
around my eyes becomes a daily routine. Eating feels like a punishment and having
to eat without throwing up is also the biggest task of the day.
Physically, while I’m
experiencing anxiety, my hands and legs feel numb. There are times I can’t even
walk. Even there is no fan or even air ventilation, I’d still feel as cold as
ice and will be shivering till I could feel the pain in my nerves. At times, I
will start sweating like nobody’s business where my heartbeat will be over the
roof as well. I feel nauseated all the time
and the migraine that comes while I am having my anxiety attacks is unbearable.
My stomach feels upset almost all the time although the only meal that I had
was a cup of coffee since I woke up. I have to rush to the washroom every one hour
once at least just to throw up or due to my stomach being upset. The major sign
of anxiety that my body shows in the beginning stage is, my breakouts all over
my face. Naturally, I have an acne-prone skin, but it gets worse during the
times I have my anxiety attacks. My shoulders feel so heavy as if I am holding
the whole world’s weight on my back and the frustration due to being unable to
do anything about it gets me so irritated with everything around me.
During these times, I will wrap
up myself in my comforter and stay in dark place all day long to calm myself
down. Trust me when I say I’d still feel so cold and I could barely move my
body due to numbness though I’m wrapped like burrito. I try to cut off any human
contacts as it increases my anxiety. If I am forced to be in a social
situation, I will start fidgeting or walking in circles or in a straight line,
back and forth or just keep moving around.
The worse part of all is to
answer the “why(s)” of my loved ones when they ask me on why am I looking so
sick or dull and so on. I tend to push them away just to avoid to answer their ‘why(s)’.
There are times I will feel bad for being rude to my loved ones, yet still it
makes it easier for me to avoid any questions from them than talking about what
is actually happening to me. Honestly, till
this very moment I have no idea on what am I actually feeling. I have no idea how
to put my thoughts into words because there are so much going on in the mind
right now. I let the voices in the head to speak and I remain to be silent as I
am mentally and physically too tired to even do anything. And till date, I have
no idea why do I get these anxiety attacks out of blue moon every now and then.
These were the early signs of my
anxiety, which I chose to ignore ever since I started experiencing it. I consoled
myself by saying it is all nothing. Even now, when things seem to be out of my
control, I still believe that all these are nothing. I can still go through all
of it and I know I definitely will. There are times where I do feel like giving
up just like how I did while I was drowning just to be at peace. But I know
that I am not the only one who has been experiencing all these sorts of
emotions. Anxiety is something very common these days. Yet, I realised that
fighting these battles are very personal, where only you know how to get
through it. The anxiety attack I have been having recently takes up a whole lot
of energy and strength out of me and it is also during one of my crucial times,
where I’m working on my assignments and also away from the people understands
on how to keep me calm in these situations. It is tough, but I know that one
day, when I read back this piece of writing, I somehow survived this wave of
chaotic emotional thunderstorm and I’d be so proud of myself for fighting the cruel
thoughts which pinned me down.
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