Have you ever gone through depression in your life ? If you are about to say Yes, congratulations, you're a human being who is living your life right. And if you are about to say No, I have never experienced depression before, then you are probably lying to yourself that you are living a perfect life. If you are thinking whether have you ever been through depression, it is okay to feel that way because many of us do not know what depression is even when we've been through it. We assume that depression is just another psychological disorder where only mentally ill people will get to experience it. We can't blame anyone to have such a mindset. The society that we grew up in have always been grooming our minds with such thoughts ever since before the word depression became common.
So, let me tell you how does depression feels like based on my experience. Depression has been my companion for a several chapters in my life. As everyone else I never knew I was going through depression when the first time I experienced it.
It was back in 2013. I had my first wave of depression. Something that started as a puppy love decided to ruin my life. I couldnt take the pain I had to go through when the love of my life(or thats what I thought it was at that time) left me. It was my very first time experiencing love and heartbreak. So, I did not know how to handle it. All I did was crying all day long and taking pills so that I could sleep and forget everything. I stopped eating for days. Trust me when I say I did not eat anything for atleast 2 weeks. I was surviving by just drinking water, tea and coffee. As I am not a verbally expressive person, I could not share my feelings with anyone. Having suicidal thoughts during this period is normal. Some people get to get over it. Some will not be able to survive. I was lucky enough because I survived. And I have no idea how did I survived without ending my life. After sometime I moved to another place which was far away from my hometown to continue my higher studies, leaving everything behind. Meeting and talking to new people gave me the confidence to live my life as a normal person. It took a year or so to get over my depression. I changed alot during this period of time.
When the next wave of depression hit me, I knew that I have issues in handling my emotion. And I also knew I needed help. I could not get any professional help because no one actually believed me when I tell them I am depressed. So, I thought everyone around me is right. I was seriously thinking that I am normal person and I was overthinking. My brain felt like bursting due to thinking the things that was not even an issue in the first place. Eventually, I got over my depression the second time by doing my own therapies. I started to practice meditation. I am not a spiritual person. I only pray when I feel like doing so. But, during this period, I realised that going to temple and church on fridays and sundays gave me the calmness that I needed. After sometime I had my mind under my control. During this period of time, I met many people who were willing to listen to me without judging me.
After that, I had a few minor depressions every now and then. One of the recent one was the depression I had last year where I was in a total damage. This time it was not only emotional, but, I had to go through some physical issues as well. I was not able to sleep for days. The longest sleep I could have in a day was about 2 hours or so. This time, I was very sure that what I was experiencing is called depression and I started to be more open about my feelings to the people around me. And thanks to the almighty because everyone were willing to listen to me. Many suggested many ways on how to handle my depression. Even though it is difficult to listen to someone's advice during this period of time, I forced myself to listen to them. Because I knew I am my only hope. Without me taking a stand or a decision on helping myself, I can never survive this wave.
It was always been a battle between me, my mind and my emotion. And I am glad that I have made this far. I never know when will be the next time I am going to have my next wave of depression, but, all I know is I am ready to face them and fight with every ounce of energy I have in me.
Depression is like demon that lives within us. It is us, who should be deciding if we want to defeat the demon or let the demon to defeat us.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Y
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