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Hello Darkness, my old friend....

  Disclaimer : I am not a professional nor someone who has an in-depth knowledge of psychological issues. I just wanted to keep a journal of what I am currently experiencing for my own self, as well to help to those experience the same issue. This is also not an act of seeking sympathy or attention from anyone. Merely writing it for myself and for those who are experiencing anxiety like myself too. It was December, in 2017. The usual yearly vacation with my family season, where on the particular year we decided to go to the Pangkor Island.   It was all fun, till I was swept off by the waves into the middle of the sea and my brothers were trying to save me from drowning in the sea. My eldest brother was holding onto my hands, and something told me to let go off it as I will not survive it. And I decided to let go off the hand. I heard my brothers screaming asking me to reach for their hands. But I felt calm as I drifted off from everything and everyone. I knew I was already drowning a
Recent posts

One Night Stand.

4 th December 2020, 8.33p.m .  My body was trembling and my heartbeat was over the roof, thinking what have I got myself into. I have no idea what would happen next. It was thrilling, yet the pressure of not knowing what is up next made me to have an adrenaline rush. But, all I could think of is, it is going to be a worthwhile experience. As I was walking towards the car, I literally could feel my heart out of its place. Being someone who is pretty much self-conscious, “what would he think about my funny hairstyle” was the only question that was running in my mind. The moment of truth. I went into the car. And the first thing I heard was “I like your hairstyle, its cute though”. I was relieved and started to let loose a little after hearing those words from him. There were some moments of silence. Millions of things were running in my mind. Never have I ever thought I would go out with an absolute stranger whom I have no idea about within less than 24 hours of getting to know thro

Paranoia

CHAPTER1:  The First Meet...  I was dwelled in my own world, as usual. Ignoring the existence of the real world that I exist in and pretty much stayed focused what would happen next to Russ, to Vivian and their child after the divorce. I was turning the pages with intense emotion while sipping my coffee. Though I could feel the steamy, aromatic ashy taste of Cocoa Cappuccino getting down the throat, I couldn’t enjoy the coffee as much as I would usually do as the novel got me hooked up with it. I have no idea how long I have been sitting at the corner of the coffee shop and immersed in the novel. But, I am pretty sure I would have gotten at least a few stares from the people around me with the facial expressions that I was giving the entire time. But, I was not bothered to care enough on what the people around think about what I do. It’s a free country after all. As I continued to flip the pages a sudden feel of discomfort occurred. I felt like I was being watched or being inte

Irony

The only thing that was on my mind as I woke up was “Oh god, I am super late”. As an idol for so many youths of my nation, I can never be late for any of the events. So, I took my key and drove, feeling myself like a so called Paul Walker.   Millions of things were going in mind. I have not done anything lately. All I do all day long is to chit chat with my friends in some posh cafĂ© around the town and talk about how to make the nation a better place for the people. But, I have not done anything literally to make it happen. We just talk, talk, and talk until we get tired of what we have talked about and get back home when it is just about the time to wake up. “BOOOOMMMM”. That sound got me back to the reality. For a second I was roaming in my thoughts and now here I am standing and shouting using all the foul language that I have learnt from my friends to a poor old lady.   I was unaware of the car that was making a turn on the opposite road and speeded up. But, who am I kidd

Unplanned Vacation

It was a dream come true moment, for both Marcus and me. We have been planning the trip for about a year. After so many obstacles finally, we were on the plane. The excitement was real! As the plane took off, I held Marcus’s hand close and tight towards me. I wanted to treasure every single moment of the vacation. I never thought I would actually go for a trip to the most favorite place of mine on earth with my most favorite person. It was a 4 hours journey.  Marcus and I sat beside each other, enjoying each other’s company in silence. In a glace, I studied the details in Marcus’s face. It was perfect, I thought to myself. The sharp jawlines and stubble and the lips.. woahhh it just makes me go crazy on him every single time. I can go on and on for hours talking about how perfect he is! I am just too lucky to have Marcus as my soul mate. He is the perfect boyfriend that makes my wildest dream come true. Right before we land, I got glimpse of an eagle eye view of the place tha

Life is, But a Walking Shadow.

  “Friends?” he asked. Without having a second thought, “Yeah, Just friends, Okay?’ she said. She felt so angry at herself. For letting someone to ruin her happiness. For letting her ego win by saying ‘Just friends’ when she knew it was nothing near to a friendship. She wanted to rip him apart for lying to her. Yet, all she could do was, silence her thoughts. The last thing she ever wanted to do was to pour her heart out to the guy who made her to look like an idiot. She held her tears back and stayed calm as he was talking at the other end of the phone. She had no strength to fight him or to burst out. She was emotionally drained. She wasn’t prepared for a heartbreak, not when she was not over the first one. But, she was determined to not show her weakness in any way to him. As it ended sooner than she thought, she hung up the call and drove her car to somewhere faraway. To a place where no one could find her. To a place where she can finally be herself. The vulnerable, weak and emo

Destiny

Hospitals are like the last place I ever wanted to be at. But, unfortunately due to the migrane I have been having lately, Dr.Estine made me to stay in hospital for a week! Trust me when I say that one week felt like a century. I hated the environment in the hospital which was creepy at nights and more like a mortuary in the mornings. And definitely,I hated the green scrubs the doctors were wearing which looked like my late granma's panties. The food they served for the whole week, let us not talk about it. I felt like I was eating my own vomit. The only thing that kept me sane in that insanely horrible place was the thought of going back home. Every day, I told myself that I will be back home soon. I was looking forward to be back home only for one reason. To see my princess, my 2 year old daughter, Miya. Miya, my lil bundle of joy. When I pregnent, the doctors said that Miya is not going to make it as she had a weak heart. And things got worst when Miya was born a few weeks earl